It has been over two years since we lost you.
When we first found out we were having twins, we were so excited, overwhelmed and scared. You always measured a few days behind and even though the doctors tried to reassure me I was worried about you. Perhaps it was mother’s intuition. But the first trimester came and went. We were in the “safe” zone of the second trimester, what could go wrong? We had a sneak peak ultrasound and found out we were having two girls! We joked about all of the tea parties and tutus in your dad’s future.
At the anatomy scan, we saw two healthy girls. You were still smaller, but Brynn I knew you were a fighter. This time you were the one who kicking your sister, Harper. Your dad and I laughed. And that was the last time I saw you. Thank you for that memory.
Three weeks later, our world came crashing down. What was supposed to be the best birthday present for your dad was the worst. I immediately knew something was wrong as soon as the ultrasonographer started taking your measurements. I couldn’t bare to watch any longer and turned to your dad with tears rolling down my face. He was confused until he heard the words no parent should even have to hear, “There is no heart beat”.
We went home, in shock, and just cried. I felt sick. I don’t understand what happened or why it happened. I don’t think I ate or showered for days. And all the while, your sister was moving around and I felt her. The next 17 weeks were a struggle. Grieving for you and trying to stay strong for Harper felt impossible to balance. I hated carrying your lifeless body but then I came to realize as long as I stayed pregnant, I had you with me. On your birthday, your sister stole the spot light and was whisked away to the NICU, so your father and I didn’t have proper goodbye like we had hoped. I wish that entire day went differently. We should have welcomed both of you into the world.
Every time I look at Harper my heart breaks thinking of how you two would snuggle, play and giggle if you were here with us. It brings tears to me eyes. I feel so robbed, not only for myself but for Harper. I still can’t talk about you without crying. Even hearing “twins” is a painful reminder of what should have been. Some days are easier and some are harder, but not a day goes by that we don’t think of you and miss you.
Our time was cut entirely too short but I am so grateful for every day I had with you and blessed that you chose me to be your mom. Forever with you wouldn’t have been long enough, peanut.
You were and will always be so loved. We miss you tremendously, Brynn.
To read more from Laurie, see her blog "So, you're saying there is a chance."