We lost you

It has been over five years since we lost you.

When we found out we were having twins, we were so excited, overwhelmed and scared. From one of the very first ultrasounds, I was concerned that you were measuring smaller. The doctors tried to reassure me appointment after appointment and I tried to believe them and became easier as the first trimester came and went. We were in the “safe” zone of the second trimester, what could go wrong? We had a sneak peak ultrasound and found out we were having two girls! We joked about all of the tea parties and tutus in your dad’s future.

At the anatomy scan, we saw two healthy girls. You were still smaller, but I knew you were a fighter. This time you were the one who kicking your sister, Harper. Your dad and I laughed. And that was the last time I saw you. Thank you for that memory.

Three weeks later, our world came crashing down.

I immediately knew something was wrong as soon as the ultrasonographer started taking your measurements. I couldn’t bare to watch any longer and turned to your dad with tears rolling down my face. He was confused until he heard the words no parent should even have to hear, “There is no heart beat”.

We went home, in shock, and just cried. I felt sick. I don’t understand what happened or why it happened. I don’t think I ate or showered for days. I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore, feeling your sister kick and move was a constant reminder of what we lost. The next 17 weeks were a struggle. Grieving for you and trying to stay strong for Harper felt impossible to balance. I hated carrying your lifeless body but then I came to realize as long as I stayed pregnant, I had you with me. On your birthday, your sister stole the spot light and was whisked away to the NICU, so your father and I didn’t have proper goodbye like we had hoped. I wish that entire day went differently. We should have welcomed both of you into the world.

As time goes on, Harper asks more questions about you. She knows she has a very special guardian angel keeping her safe. She tells Aubrey, your younger sister, all about you.

When I look at Harper and Aubrey, I can’t help but think what you would have looked like and how you should be here playing and giggling along with the two of them.

Some days are easier and some are harder, but not a day goes by that we don’t think of you and miss you.

Our time was cut entirely too short but I am so grateful for every day I had with you and blessed that you chose me to be your mom. You helped me to become a mother and not take those little moments for granted. You were and will always be so loved. We miss you tremendously, Brynn.

Love,
Mommy